LIVE FROM THE COUCH / Greg Walton

NOT-SO-DEADLY B’s

Would you rather watch Olivia rollerskate in a blouse or Ron Wood in a tight turtleneck? We chose Wood. Why? What's the significance? We... don't... know.

When crap like Xanadu earns itself a two-disc DVD release (the magical, musical edition in case you’re interested) you might be wondering if we’ve hit the saturation point. Are there are actually any titles left that haven’t hit video…and if so, should anyone be allowed to see them? I prefer to see the cup as half-full rather than half-empty. Sure, what’s left is a hodgepodge of martial arts flicks and lazy foreign erotica, but if you dig deep enough into the pile you’ll find a few curiosities left in the bin.

Phase IV (Legend Films, 84 min) is the only feature-film from Saul Bass, the man who designed the most memorable title sequences in cinema history, most notably Hitchcock’s Psycho and North By Northwest. His take on intelligent ants who wage war on a pair of scientists in the New Mexico desert is ripe for ridicule (it even got the MST3K treatment), but also insanely ambitious. With long dialogue-free stretches of macro-photography following these mini-mental giants into their network of tunnels, the ending finds humanity evolving into some human-ant hybrid. It’s Kubrick crossed with the Discovery Channel.

More insect terror awaits in The Deadly Bees (Legend Films, 84 min), directed by another Oscar winner, Freddie Francis, who brings a British sensibility to the “nature run amok” genre. After a musical intro that features Stones guitarist Ron Wood strumming for The Birds (not those Byrds, but a different group who prefer embarrassingly tight turtlenecks), a pop princess is sent out to the country to recuperate from a nervous breakdown, only to find herself caught between feuding beekeepers. Although things could have been resolved over a pint of Guinness, the bees end up stinging the shit out of anyone who’s been marked with the “scent of fear.” Which is actually just Old Spice and warm beer.

Hammer Films specialized in drawing-room horrors and The Man Who Could Cheat Death (Legend Films, 83 min) is a prime example of their chatty brilliance. Anton Diffring stars as a snobby sculptor who needs the extract of human glands to remain forever young. Christopher Lee gets to lose the fangs for a supporting role, helping Scotland Yard piece together a string of disappearances. In usual Hammer fashion, everything is resolved by burning down the joint, but not before we’re treated to some fine acting all around.

Then there’s The Sender (Legend Films, 92 min), a sedated psychological thriller that feels like David Cronenberg on an off-day. Confronted with a suicidal teen with telepathic powers, Dr. Gail Farmer (Kathryn Harrold) tries to sort through his mommy issues before he gets all Carrie on her ass. Other than a startling shock treatment sequence, the movie is too drowsy to inspire much interest. Director Roger Christian went on to helm John Travolta’s big-budget Scientology sermon, Battlefield Earth, so his “beingness” is obviously back on track.

All of the above titles are available exclusively at Best Buy through July.

Straight outta the third most dangerous city in America—Saginaw, Michigan—Greg Walton writes from a basement bunker. His only window to the outside world is a sweet surround sound set-up and 65" inches of hi-def glory.