READING IS FUCKINMENTAL / Jason Matthew Smith

SETTIN’ YOUR WORLD ON FIRE

“The Inferno,” in dumb-ass, American English.

If you remember anything from 12^th grade lit, it’s probably Dante Alighieri’s “Inferno,” the most engaging part of the Divine Comedy. Or perhaps the only thing you recall about 12^th grade English is how Nikki Potter’s breasts seemed to grow unfathomably larger as the semester progressed—but maybe that’s just me. Needless to say, if your class touched on Dante’s work (as some of the better high schools do), chances are you read one of the dense, fancy-pants English translations, and you most certainly did not read the original Italian version. But I recently found an adaptation that should be in every high school in the land—and on your shelves, too. Dante’s Inferno by Sandow Birk and Marcus Sanders (Chronicle Books, 2004) is an adaptation of Dante’s tale in plain old American English, accompanied by Birk’s black-and-white, comic-book-style illustrations depicting hell as, well, any major American city in the New Millennium (although San Francisco and Los Angeles seem to be more prominent). There are the familiar images of Virgil leading Dante past the gluttons, but in Birk’s version, these fatties wallow on a sticky sidewalk with signs for Sizzler, McDonald’s and In-N-Out Burger looming in the background.

The text is equally interesting, primarily for the manner in which Sanders and Birk turn the language and imagery on its head. By way of comparison, here’s a bit from Canto VI, when Dante encounters the three-headed beast Cerberus, as rendered by Charles S. Singleton in his translation by Princeton University Press (line breaks altered to make this easier on your web-weary eyes):

When Cerberus the great worm perceived us, he opened his mouths and showed his fangs; he was aquiver in every limb. And my leader, reaching out his open hands, took up earth, and with full fists threw it into the ravenous gullets. As the dog that barking craves, and then grows quiet when he snaps up his food, straining and struggling only to devour it, such became the foul faces of the demon Cerberus, who so thunders on the souls that they would fain be deaf.

Now, the same scene a la Sanders and Birk (same deal—line breaks eliminated):

When Cerberus saw us coming, he flipped out. He growled with all three of his mouths, and you could see his sharp teeth while his whole body twitched like he had the DTs or something. But Virgil wasn’t even worried, and he grabbed a handful of that stinking mud and he threw it straight into the mongrel’s three greedy mouths. Like the crazed crack addict jonesing for a rock who instantly calms down after he scores and gets his first drag of smoke,  Cerberus’ disgusting barking heads sniffed at the mud and lapped at it so intently that they seemed oblivious to anything else.

See what I mean? Not necessarily better, but certainly different—a good spin on an old favorite. Sure, Birk and Co. have totally stripped Dante’s lush language from the story—and hardcore Dante fans will gnash their teeth, wail, and rend their clothes. But here’s my take: sometimes you’re in the mood for a Coors Light, not Cabernet Sauvignon.  

Jason Matthew Smith is a Texan who never developed an accent, thanks to a steady diet of television reruns during his formative years. He now lives in Utah, where everyone thinks he sounds just like John Astin, the original Gomez Addams.