LIVE FROM THE COUCH: How to Watch Porn and Stay Married

HOW TO WATCH PORN AND STAY MARRIED

This week, Live from the Couch delves into advice for the brave souls among you who risk carpal tunnel syndrome to enjoy self-gratification and smut (yes, even the softcore variety).

First let’s set the ground rules. We’re not talking about full-on penetration, here. No woman worth marrying would allow anything from Vivid Entertainment in her home for more than one night—and even that would entail a costly visit to the Love Boutique and two or three extra glasses of wine. I’m referring to softcore porn from the ‘70s; the easy-listening, James Taylor variety of onscreen intercourse that tries to build a relationship before going all the way. Retro erotica is all the rage right now thanks to companies like Blue Underground and Severin Films. But trendiness isn’t a legitimate enough excuse; you need a well-rounded argument backed up by a solid business plan.

Follow these five simple steps and you too can soon be enjoying porn in your basement while the little woman watches Ghost Whisperer upstairs:

1)      Become a DVD reviewer. Easy said than done, I know. It took nearly a decade of begging and bribing various publicists on both coasts to become the man I am today: a part-time hack who barely makes enough each week to supersize his Baconator combo meal. Although the pay is poor to non-existent, most media outlets will let you keep the films you review which can then be added to your collection or (in desperate circumstances) used to construct a fairly sound DVD fort if your wife kicks you out.

2)      Lay the Foundation: Let’s assume you’ve cemented your reputation as a reviewer and now you’re drowning in new releases each week. Trouble is, you didn’t get into this to write 500 words on Ariel’s Beginning: The Little Mermaid 2. Well, man up, my friend! Yes, you’re forced to cover movies you don’t want, but it legitimizes your profession in the eyes of your significant other and establishes an alibi. Trust me, after asking her to sit down and watch Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior, she’ll find somewhere else to be.

3)      Cover Your Ass: The day that first copy of Black Emmanuelle arrives is both triumphant and a little bit scary. Your first instinct will be to hide it in whatever pathetic excuse you call a porn stash (which your wife probably stumbled upon years ago and has beneficently allowed to continue). Fight the urge! In fact, let her open the package. Address any questions or concerns in a calm and rational matter. Explain that your job requires you to view films of many different genres—in fact, you’ll be covering an Ingmar Bergman set next week from the same company—and in order to continue receiving product you owe them some coverage. She’ll be suspicious. She may mock you. Laugh with her! Point out the amusing irony that you’re actually being paid to review porn. Eventually, the idea of extra income will defuse the situation.

4)      Open the Tap: Don’t get greedy! The amount of smut entering the house still has to remain at a significantly lower percentage than Ashton Kutcher comedies and season sets of Desperate Housewives. However, the foundation you’ve laid in Step Two should allow for a certain degree of freedom. Create a viewing space for your “naughty” movies, watch them only after 10 p.m. and keep a low profile.      

5)      Live the Dream: Congratulations! By now you’re adding $100-150 a month to the family income by watching simulated sex from master directors like Jess Franco and Joe D’Amato while becoming well versed in the physical assets of flat-chested European women who don’t shave their pits. Victory never smelled so sweet!

Straight outta the third most dangerous city in America—Saginaw, Michigan—Greg Walton writes from a basement bunker. His only window to the outside world is a sweet surround sound set-up and 65" inches of hi-def glory.