Hot Lixx Hulahan Is US Air Guitar Champ

Knocks defending champ William Ocean’s dingdong in the dirt…

By Fred Mills

Looks like that dumbass feature in USA Today didn’t do much to help William Ocean hold on to his crown in the US Air Guitar Championships. While Defending Champion Ocean was busy having his knob polished by the daily rag’s staff of puff-piece profilers, the mighty Hot Lixx Hulahan was waxing his axe all the way to the finish line at the San Francisco finals. Hulanhan will be representing the good ol’ You Ess of Aye in Oulu, Finland, Aug. 20-22 when the World Air Guitar Championships take place.

Here’s the blow-by-blow wrap up of the US event, courtesy the good folks at the US Air Guitar Championship organization. You can also check out video highlights at the official site at www.usairguitar.com ….

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It was the morning of AUGUST 8th, 2008. The city of SAN FRANCISCO was crisp but peaceful. In the Grand Ballroom, it was business as usual. Little did anyone know… All the buzz, all the hype, all the warnings surrounding the 2008 Cuervo Black US Air Guitar Championships, Presented By TouchTunes, could not have prepared the City by the Bay for what was about to transpire. All the while, US Air Guitar was getting ready to Stryke (sic).

The math is simple really: 10 returning Finalists, 3 former US Champions, 1 Air Guitar Hall of Famer – in addition to the best crop of Rated Rookies in Air Guitar history – set the stage for 1 Star-Spangled Air Guitar extrava-hemoth. In all, 25 contestants had waited 12 long months for their 60 seconds of rock and roll glory. 1,500 ticket holders, 3 judges, 2 mascots, 4 bars. Carry the 6, and this equation has only one correct answer: a million thrills, spills, and one Fair City plundered.

ROUND I

The first round was absolutely manic. Newcomer and San Francisco darling AWESOME electrified the hometown crowd to earn a bid into Round 2. Hall of Famer BIG RIG and twin brother STRYKER could not make it through, despite their veteran status and matching Air Guitar logo tattoos, which they unveiled at the pre-show press conference. McNALLICA did Boston proud with a soul-shaking performance. The progressive SF audience could not quite catch up with former US Champ THE ROCKNESS MONSTER’s slo-mo flow, which doomed his chances in this, his final Air Guitar competition, in the wake of his announcement that this marked the end of his illustrious competitive career. Defending US Champion WILLIAM OCEAN overcame a few first round missteps to get to the second round. The top score in the first round went to AIRISOL of Minneapolis. An ex-gymnast, she wowed the crowd and the judges with a series of flips and displayed the full capabilities of her seemingly rubber vertebrae. Fake blood, confetti, bike shorts, back flips, a literal stage dive… We saw it all. Or so we thought…

The much-ballyhooed HALFTIME show saw a showdown between the new (but no less grizzled) US Air Guitar mascot Air Bear and newfound friend of US Air Guitar, LOU SEAL, the official mascot for MLB’s San Francisco Giants. This one-on-one bout was judged purely based on crowd reaction, and Lou quite literally mopped the floor with poor Air Bear. The crowd was promptly rewarded with vouchers for ‘Friends Only’ Giants tickets.

ROUND II

The compulsory round is where the Top Five took things to a new level. Shreddy Mercury showed up bigger than the city lights in Times Square, and William Ocean pulled out his patented surf-board and literally crowd-‘surfed.’ Awesome brought the thunder (via his performance) and the lightning (shaved into his chest hair).

And then, air guitar as we know it changed forever.

Hometown hero (2006 San Francisco and US Air Guitar Champion) Hot Lixx Hulahan added another ornament to his already decorated Air Guitar oeuvre with a second-round performance that has to be seen to be believed.

Mid-song, the San Francisco native ran back into the wings (stage right), only to emerge at full-speed, jump off a monitor, and with no regard for human life (his or anyone else’s) careen into the crowd via front-flip somersault that landed him on an inflatable whale, which he rode back on stage. He finished his set in perfect sync, which would have mattered more if you could hear the music over the roar of the crowd, which was trying to gather their breath, whereabouts, druthers, and whatever else, about them. Judge Marc Hawthorne, music editor of the Onion, left his subversive headlines at the door to bestow Hott Lixx with a 7.0 out of a possible 6.0 and the crown of America’s greatest Air Guitarist.

Final Scores (Round 1 + Round 2):
Compulsory song Black Sabbath 'Crazy Train'

1. Hot Lixx Hulahan - DC, 35.3
2. Airosol - Minneapolis, 35.2
3. Awesome - San Francisco, 34.6
4. McNallica - Boson, 34.4
5. Shreddy Mercury - New York, 33.9
6. William Ocean - DEFENDING US CHAMP, 33.5

2008 AIR GUITAR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS

Like a polished diamond, the AGWC Network has grown and prospered to a world-wide realm of 18 official AGWC countries. The crème de la crème of Air Guitar competes in national championships before coming to Finland for the battle of the best. One person is annually hailed as the Air Guitar World Champion, the master of an invisible instrument. Countries registered to compete in the 2008 Air Guitar World Championships include UNITED STATES, CANADA, MEXICO, UNITED KINGDOM, NORWAY, GERMANY, NETHERLANDS, SWITZERLAND, FRANCE, AUSTRIA, ITALY, SLOVENIA, CROATIA, GREECE, JAPAN, AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND.

For the first time ever, a non-Finn will MC the event. US Air Guitar is proud to announce that our very own BJORN TUROQUE is slotted as this year’s Master of Ceremonies. We are just glad that there is no King, Lord, or Emperor of Ceremonies to whom he could potentially come in second.

For More Information on the Air Guitar World Championships, Visit:

www.airguitarworldchampionships.com